"Everybody
has a public bathroom experience. I've had quite a few. Some
public bathrooms I've been in are so disgusting that I use my
foot to do everything, including opening/closing door, flushing
toilets, and even operating the faucets. Someday I always knew
those Tao Kwon Do lessons would come in handy!
It was one of those days when my diarrhea was acting up. The
previous evening I had eaten something greasy, like pepperoni
pizza - I don't exactly remember what. Unfortunately, for myself,
my band had a show at this place called the Symposium. I, like
most people, have an aversion to taking shits in public facilities,
especially bars, so I tried to hold it in, figuring that maybe
the pain would go away if I drank a beer. Man, was I wrong!
The beer only aggravated it.
We had to go on in a half an hour. As my sphincter muscles started
to contract and convulse, I made a beeline for the stairs heading
down to the restroom. As I descended the stairs, I could smell
the rotting feces and piss that was caking the walls and probably
everything else down there.
I finally got to the bathroom and had to hold my nose, because
the stench was so overpowering that it made my eyes water. It,
literally, smelled like a mixture of rotten meat, shit and piss.
I looked at the stall and what do you know - no door! Oh well,
privacy wasn't my most pressing concern at that point. However,
one look at the shitter thoroughly grossed me out. This thing
was covered with a mixture of dried piss, pubic hairs, and somebody
else's diarrhea. Consequently, this is where most of the stench
was emanating from. The inside of the toilet bowl was lined
with a brown layer of fecal residue and the water was a yellowish-brown
opaque. There was no handle on this thing so it didn't flush.
To top it off, there was no toilet paper!
I started to panic as my rectum convulsed in spasms, so I fished
around in my pockets hoping that I had some tissues. Ah! Two
napkins from the bar! Well, I had to ration it out, so to speak.
I tore one up in pieces and lined the barnacle-covered toilet
seat with it and saved the other to wipe my ass with. I, frantically,
dropped my pants and before I could even completely sit down,
my anus opened up like the floodgates of Hell. Damn, some of
that disgusting pulp in the bowl splashed back on my ass! Needless
to say, I didn't have nearly enough napkin left to finish the
wipe job.
As I proceeded to pull up my pants, I noticed that the force
of my diarrhea had knocked loose some of the inner bowl residue
which flaked off into murky liquid, creating a clean spot. I
could feel my diarrhea-covered ass cheeks sliding against each
other as my discomfort mounted.
As I was leaving the bar, I ran into Reggie. What a stroke of
luck! At the time, we lived in the same apartment complex, and
a few days earlier he just happened to do my laundry after I
did. He found a pair of Fruit-of-the-Looms that I must have
left in the dryer and was about to return them to me. Now all
I had to do was find a place to wash up and change!
I walked into this nice restaurant because I figured it would
have a clean bathroom. The maitre-de asked me if I wanted to
be seated, but I said I just wanted to use the phone by the
bathroom; and gave the lower part of my body a sponge bath in
the sink, using paper towels and liquid hand soap. I discarded
my skid-marked briefs and slid on the new fresh pair, and was
on my way.
Now I avoid greasy foods - especially before shows!
(Pat Termite & Reggie)
BEATNIK TERMITES *excerpted from the book ANECDOTE: STORIES
FROM THE ROAD - edited and compiled by RACHAEL ALMADA, 1999.
The book is a collection of tour stories from various punk bands
throughout the US and abroad. If you would be interested in
purchasing your very own copy of this book you can send a check
or money order (made payable to RACHAEL ALMADA) to: Rachael
Almada, c/o Bodach Press, PO Box 2427 Palm Springs, California
92263-2427 or email Rachael at: Rbodach@aol.com
- you can also purchase the book at Amazon.com. |
